Today

Today, it has been 3 months and 19 days since I watched my little guy take his last breath.  Many people recommended journaling to help me with the healing process but I could not get myself to do it or ANYTHING thoroughly for the first couple months.  I was so confused, this was supposed to be the happiest time of my life and it turned out so NOT.  It took everything I had to wake up, push myself out of bed to get a shower, brush my teeth, try to put on a decent face for everyone else as best I could and let me tell you sometimes I didn't do a very good job.  It was difficult for me to accomplish anything being in such a new physical pain which I hadn't been prepared for (not that you can EVER prepare for losing a child).  My heart was officially ripped out of my body.  I had horrible "Achy Arms" with no clue what that was until I read the book "Empty Arms" and had also heard from other moms that they experienced it too.  It is an intense aching, heavy, painful feeling in your arms where they could just naturally drag on the ground.  It lasted for weeks.  I missed my son so bad I just wanted to hold him one more time! I had a C-Section so I was really sore, and as if that wasn't bad enough then my milk came in full force, a whole other emotional trauma.  It was completely insane how sad I felt having to deal with getting that whole process to stop not realizing how LONG it would last, maybe it lasted longer for me because I started pumping right after Logan was born?  I don't know, he was my first baby so I don't have a clue.

I was so mad at myself for having such a hard time. I have to get through this, there are other people that need me!  My husband and I talked so much while in the hospital and we felt like we could handle this, not that we wanted to, nor would it be easy, but looking back I think that maybe we thought we could and wanted to skip the grieving process.  We now know, it is impossible to do that.

So, here I am.  I hope this helps.....