Stupid Comments

   I don't want to offend anyone but I have seriously heard some of the most absurd comment since my son died.  I just wanted to share them and my feelings on each so here goes....
1. You are young, you can always have another child-
     I can’t just ALWAYS have another child.  How do you know that I can?  That’s interesting that you know that because I DON’T even know if that’s true for me? I’ll tell you what YOU shouldn’t assume, just because someone is young doesn’t mean that they can just pop out children like I am some sort of baby oven?!  Even if I could have another child, its never a safe bet, there is always risk and people seem to forget that.  They just assume that the pregnancy will be fine and everything will go smooth.  Guess what?  That’s not always the case unfortunately; I’m just being real and choosing not to be in denial about it.  That would never make it better nor does it ever take away the pain from what happened……AND I’m not sure if I really can have another child.  My body is having issues and maybe permanently damaged from the pregnancy, so think about that before you throw out assumptions to avoid awkwardness PLEASE?!

2. At least you didn’t have him for that long to bond with-
     Like that should seriously make it easier?  I know everything happens for a reason…yah yah yah but I am still entitled to have a bond with him and feelings about it.  I was thankful at the time that he didn’t suffer any longer but would give anything to have had more time with him.  I miss him and want him here, he is still my baby, my child.  What people that haven’t lost a child don’t understand is that it’s not something you ever get over.  It never goes away.  You are never the same person you were before it happened, you are forever changed. You look at life differently.  It may get easier with time.  But honestly, it never completely heals.  So now, I have to learn to deal with the wound and choose the path I would like to take with it and hopefully help others in the future that unfortunately had to experience this terrible pain.

3.  It could be worse, you should be thankful for what you have-
    Here’s my thoughts on that, I really do “get” that comment.  I do.  I might even tell myself that when I am privately sorting through my feelings.  However, I am not really sure what could be worse than watching your fresh, innocent, child die in your arms and there is not one thing you can do about it.  It is the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced.  Parents are supposed to fix things for their children and help them when they are in pain.  Children aren’t supposed to die.  Watching his health struggle and slowly taking breathes until there were no more to take.  Sitting in a silence of tears, not knowing what direction your life is supposed to go in and not sure of your purpose now.  The look on his poor sweet, precious, tiny face looking at me for comfort, while HE dies. I would have rather been stabbed with a knife myself, and really it physically felt like that.  My heart was ripped out of my body.  Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change being there for the world.  I am thankful that I was there for him when he was born, and then again when he died. But let me tell you people, until you experience your child dying, please refrain from those words it just adds fuel to the fire that was already ignited. 

4. You can’t let this destroy you-
    Here’s my response to that statement: I understand that you don’t want to see me hurting.  I don’t want to hurt and I feel like I am taking the proper steps to help myself get through this terrible time.  Grief is painful and it can destroy some people.  I feel that if I grieve the “healthy” way and  once I am in the further stages of grief I won’t, but it might be uncomfortable for you to witness.  But being a freshly bereaved mom, it IS going to destroy me some days.  Not every day, some days I can suck it up smile and enjoy the here and now.  But other days, I need the allowance for a wreck.

5. You should be starting to feel better by now- 
   Really?  Are you the “feel better” police and have some sort of timeline I should be on because if you do, can you please put me at the end of it?   I would appreciate that, thank you!  Seriously, I would love to had skipped this whole grieving process, trust me on that.  I even asked multiple counselors and doctors if I could.  The problem is, here’s your choice=start grieving it now, or start later.  If you don’t grieve it now, it will happen later and possibly come out in other ways sickness, health problems, cancer, etc (that has been proven).  I am choosing to feel it intensely now rather than later in hopes that I can avoid all that.  Not everyone does that and it's ok, everyone is different.  I realized that there is no magical way around it, if there was, I would have thought of it already and so would all of the authors that wrote the grief books.


     Conclusion-

I get it that people feel uncomfortable, mean well, and just don’t know what to say.  That uncomfortable feeling is mutual.  I am uncomfortable with my son dying.  It is definitely out of my comfort zone for sure as it is with anyone that goes through this.  The best thing to say is basic, “I’m sorry”.  I almost want to give people a “thank you for saying the right thing gift” and activate a loud thank you buzzer that releases confetti to let them know that was the perfect thing to say! Maybe I will invent one for grievers and become rich…………