17 Months Out

Today marks the 17 month anniversary of the death of my son.  On most days I can pretend to be normal and that my life hasn’t shattered in a million pieces that day when I watched my son die.    But to be honest, I hate this and hate what it does to people.  People really expect you to move on and I feel looked down on if I can’t pull it together all the time, some days I just can’t.  This week actually had a comment from an old friend saying a that, “Things happen for a reason.  You have to try to put it in the past and move on.  That’s what  I’ve done in the past with the most traumatic  things in my life and you can’t dwell forever.”  Ok, seriously THE most irritating comments ever to a grieving mother.  If I could’ve shot a rubber band through that phone I would have.  Completely clueless and I don’t feel like explaining how clueless you really are because then I have to relive the whole trauma.  But, I do hope he never has to understand it.  Nothing is like losing a child, nothing.  Trying to just go back to “normal” is just impossible for me at this point although some days I feel like it feels kind of that way again, but there’s always the dark side lingering.  No one should have to visit their child at the cemetery on holidays, birthdays, weekends.  It’s so hard seeing new babies everywhere and it seems like everyone and their sisters, brother, cousins, uncle is having one!  It’s nothing personal towards them, it’s just hard some days more than others.  I had to let my son go and I didn’t want to.  I was forced to watch him struggle and leave this earth.  I want him here.  Some days, I have to run away and other days maybe I can stand to be around them for a bit.  I have found some people are really insensitive to that which makes it so hard.  I am exhausted.  I am tired of things being hard.  I have also found that it is much softer being around mom’s with new babies that are supportive to what I have been through and just show that they care.  I do have some very caring and supportive friends and they make it possible for me to try to be normal again.  They don’t run away from me.  They aren’t scared to talk to me.  They are there and I will forever cherish the friendships I have with those people.  They will never know how much that means to me.  Then there are the people you thought were your friends that prove they aren’t by abandoning you at your rawest time.  Those ones just make you appreciate the ones that deserve your love and attention. 

March of Dimes Walk 2013

I haven't been on here in quite a few months.  I believe it was Logan's first birthday in November was the last day.  I haven't been able to post anything since then.  It was so emotionally exhausting that I had to take a break from the thought of it all.  My emotions have still been so up and down.  The first year of his death, my body was grieving and on this second year I think it's more my mind that's grieving.  The bad days are further in between but when they are bad, they're really bad.  I will get back to his first birthday and what we did but I want to talk about the March of Dimes walk we are participating in for him on April 20th.  We met other grieving parents in this tragedy and have joined in on a team for my friend's daughter, Naya, who started this team last year.  I can't wait to walk in memory of our babies.  When your child dies, you don't get to hear their name much.  This gives us an opportunity to celebrate him.  Celebrate his short life.  See his name on a shirt.  Feel his presence.  He was here.  He was alive. We don't get to sell candy bars for his football team, or send around magazine sales for his elementary school class.  This is it.  But, what better way to celebrate him.  We will be raising as much money as we can to help other babies that are struggling or will be in the future. The March of Dimes helps give babies a healthy start!  Here is my link if you would like to help support this walk or spread the word to anyone you think may be interested:

http://www.marchforbabies.org/logan112

Thank you for your help! This is going to be an awesome walk!  Will post pictures soon......

What it's like

I found this on a site and is another grieving mom's feelings on losing a child and how to help.  I have to say every single word of this touched me.  I want to get through this and be normal just as bad as everyone else wants me to and I am trying.  But, people need to know some details of the depth of this loss and how hard it is before getting to that next place in the grief.  So I had to share..............................................................................

First of all, losing a child is like nothing you have ever experienced. Although you may have lost other close friends or family members, there is no comparison. I have found that the grief of friends who have lost a spouse at a young age is similar in many ways, yet different.  So please try not to make comparisons with what you have experienced, unless, of course, you have also lost a child. And also avoid comparisons with "close calls" you or someone else has had.This is still quite a different thing.  Most people are at a loss about what they should say. And so they choose to stay silent and avoid the situation. But there are things you can say that can be very helpful. A friend who had also lost her daughter told me, "I just never knew I would think about it every minute. I never knew it would affect every bit of my life." The intensity of the grief catches us by surprise, even those of us who are going through it. So it is no wonder that when someone is grieving she thinks, feels, and acts differently than ever before, at times doing things that seem completely illogical and even abnormal.  Try to avoid the trap of comparing what you think you would do in that situation with what your grieving friends are doing because their grief is affecting every bit of their life. That is why grieving people draw close to others who are grieving - it's the only time they feel "normal".

For many women, after losing a baby, it takes 18 - 24 months before they work through their grief enough to get back to a somewhat "normal" life. For men it often takes 3 - 6 months for this to occur. That is not to say they are "over it" by then, but just that they no longer think about it every minute.

That's right, for most of the first year, a bereaved mom is thinking about her child just about all the time - certainly at least several times a day!  Unfortunately, in Western society, most people think a few weeks is how long this sort of grief lasts. And so, after that time, they don't mention the child's name (or worse, avoid the entire subject) for fear of "reminding" them. This actually hurts MORE because the grieving mom feels that she is the only one who remembers her child since no one mentions her.  And, because no one mentions her, she also hesitates to bring her up because everyone seems uncomfortable about it. The very thing the bereaved mom most needs: to talk and talk and talk about her child - is the thing we take away from her with our silence! No wonder the grieving seek each other out.  Yes, you mentioning her child's name will probably bring tears to her eyes, especially during the first year. But they are GOOD tears - tears of gratefulness that you care about her baby enough to mention him or her.  Which brings me to my next point: if your friend feels that she can cry with you, you are doing the biggest service you possibly can for her. If you don't look away, or change the subject, or act uncomfortable, you will help her heal by being with you. Help her to mourn by mourning with her.  The emotions of grief are not all sadness. There is usually a lot of anger at one point or another. There is often anxiety, irritability,inability to cope, and often there is an anti-social period. And there is so much up and down, feeling like a yo-yo jumping between feeling OK and the pit. The grieving mom doesn't even know how she will feel from one moment to the next. There is much confusion, and fear that she will never feel happy or normal again.  If you can be there, willing to listen to whatever emotions she has, without judgment, you will be giving a huge gift as well. This takes time and energy. The anger, guilt, and other emotions are very real. Don't tell her "you shouldn't feel that way". She feels the way she feels. Help her to work through the emotions. And don't be shocked if she talks of wanting to die. This is very common, and it will help her if she can confide in you without fear.

What to say to a grieving friend

And realize that these changes are not permanent for your friend; they are grief. She will come out of it a different person in many ways - hopefully better - but also in many ways she will become herself again someday. God bless you if you have the patience to wait and to help her get there.  Although nothing magical happens after the first year - she won't miraculously get a lot better - it is true that the first year is very hard. EVERYTHING is the first time without her child. Every holiday, large or small, is very difficult because holidays are family times and an important member of her family is missing.  Remember her at each holiday - acknowledge her loss and that it is likely to be a difficult time. Ask her what she is planning to do to "get through it" (which becomes the grieving person's goal for most events the first year). Don't be afraid to ask - remember, you're not reminding her, you're remembering her child.  As you might imagine, Mother's Day is especially hard. Send a card acknowledging her motherhood, especially if this is her only child, and just let her know you are thinking of her and that you remember her child.  For quite a while during the first year, grieving moms experience weekiversaries and monthiversaries. That is, they often feel increased grief, irritability, and pain on the day of the week their baby died and on the day of the month. Their subconscious begins to relive the experience each week and each month. Be sensitive to this and offer extra support at those times. The intensity of this experience usually lessens by the end of the first year, when the anniversary becomes most significant.

Make a note on your calendar of her child's birthday, date of death, and due date if the baby was born quite early. Those days will all be very difficult, and a simple I'm Thinking of You card at those times will provide much healing. Realize that even years later, after she has apparently "healed", she will be thinking of her child on those dates, reliving the experience and the sadness. Knowing that someone else still remembers her child years later will bring her much peace and comfort.  Also realize that any sort of event or gathering may be very difficult for a grieving person. One of the steps of healing is spending a lot of time focusing on the child who has been lost. This needs to happen every day, and at first, takes up most of the day.As healing occurs, the time she will need to "be with" her child becomes less and less. But we can't rush this or force it. And often, attending social gatherings is just too hard. After a few minutes, the grieving mom is ready to focus on her child again, and she can't. So she either stays and is miserable and then falls apart totally afterwards, or she leaves and does what she really needs to do.  It takes a long time for most grieving people to trust their own instincts about what they need to do (after all, someone is always telling them, "come on, you should go, it'll be good for you.") You can help your friend by encouraging her to listen to her instincts and to follow them. Often you can help her by asking, "What do you want to do?" Listen as she sorts out her feelings, and support whatever she decides. And finally, point out the progress she has made, no matter how small.

What it is like seeing healthy babies being born: The Circus

Baby showers, pregnant women,newborns, even weddings are just devastating for moms who have lost babies. Seeing others' joy is in such contrast to their pain. Be sensitive to that - and it lasts much longer than people realize.  I hope that by reading this, and some of the links from this page, you will feel better equipped to help support your grieving friend. May God bless you for your friendship in this difficult time.

My Birthday

It was my birthday and we decided to go to Disneyland for the day since it is most likely going to be a good day if you are at the happiest place on earth right?  It started out pretty good.  Kind of felt like life before disaster struck for a few hours at least.  Not that I didn’t think about Logan every minute of those few hours.  He never leaves my mind.  My mind is always on double task because I am living my life and every interaction, conversation, etc with people he is always right there.  I see his face, smell the hospital, see his little hand, everything.

I was standing by a fountain waiting for my husband and a family was taking pictures of their three kids in front of it.  I heard them say, “Logan, move over a little to the right”.  And it begins…..I knew it would happen but a little surprised that it was so soon.  Then more and more Logan connections happened throughout the day.  I was wondering, “Ok, is this because his name is so popular?  Or is it because he is really around and it’s a sign?  It doesn’t even matter why but it immediately put me in the sad place. I have learned that when that happens I have to feel it out until is passes.  That’s the only way for me to get through it.  No fighting it.  It doesn’t help when people tell me not to be sad.  It won’t work, sorry if you wanted it to.  I just felt like he should be with us today and chillin in his stroller smiling at the people walking by with his cute little baby eyes looking around.

Everyone says to have a happy birthday.  But I have to say it is really strange, confusing, and uncomfortable to be celebrating my birthday and trying to be happy when my son is dead and didn’t even get to celebrate his.  I feel a little guilty.  I am just to the point now, sometimes I just tell people what they want to hear.  It was a good day and leave it at that.  But, honestly it was very disturbing and unsettling.  Hopefully next year it will be better but I am not counting on it.  I don’t want to have expectations and be let down.  I wish people would understand that the sadness and grief doesn’t go away.  It will soften, but it never goes away so please don’t expect it to.  

I am really glad the day is over actually.  It's like a build up of exhausting emotions.  I have his first birthday coming up soon so all of this stuff is on my mind ten fold.  I just want to get through it............

My Story

Today has been nine months since my son died.  I realized I hadn't shared my story yet so here it is......

I was admitted to hospital at 24 weeks from Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (PIH) and Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR) straight from a doctor’s appointment to monitor my blood pressure.  There weren’t any rooms for me so I waited in this tiny little room with a tiny little TV watching the cooking channel.  I thought I was going to explode from anxiety.  The nurses are the only positive part of this disaster.  The ones there that night were SO sweet and made me feel a little less scared.  Once they found a room for me they placed me with another girl who spoke not an ounce of English.  Poor girl had to basically hear me cry ALL night long.  I thought I was going to be sent home but we found out through blood tests that my liver enzymes were elevated.  I was told at that point that I was being admitted and wasn’t going anywhere.  They put me on bed rest and told me if the liver keeps going that way, they will have to take my baby and he won’t make it.  The next day they moved me to my own room since I was going to be an extended stay, I’m sure my neighbor was happy because she wouldn’t have to hear “crying lady next door” anymore. As the days went on, my liver improved and stabilized, however my blood pressure took a bit longer.   I was on several medications to help with the blood flow to the baby as I was told it was the last resort to get the nutrients through to him as he kept falling further and further behind the growing scale. I tried to eat lots of protein, I drank protein shakes at night after dinner to try to help my little guy.  I felt him moving a lot (or what I thought was a lot) so it seemed like he was getting something otherwise he wouldn’t be moving much at all right?  The nurses would even kind of giggle at how much he didn’t like the Doppler and would move lots to try to avoid it.  He had a strong heartbeat and seemed to be doing great, it was just a waiting game.  They started me on a couple rounds of steroid shots for Logan’s lungs knowing that he would be a preemie, his lungs would need that boost in hopes they would be working when he got out.

After about three weeks his heart rate kept taking random dips on the monitor.  Of course that freaked everyone out.  I would try to move to get him back and they gave me lots of oxygen to help.  It worked the first few days, then more dips started to happen.

I ended up having an emergency C Section at 27 weeks and 4 days after finding reverse flow in his brain by an ultrasound, doctors thought he would have a better chance on the outside at that point.  Two hours after my ultrasound finding this, I was in surgery having my son.  He was born at 1 pound and 1 ounce 10 ½ inches long.  I have never seen a baby that small in my life so I really wasn’t prepared for what was to come.  I knew was I wanted him to have a chance at life and I did not want him to die inside of me, but at the same time I know that every day he is inside of me matters.

He did really well on his first day of life, breathing was good (they were actually amazed how good it was for such a little guy) so they took the breathing tube out.  We went and saw him, couldn’t hold him but watched him moving about and even making a fist like he was fighting.  I heard his soft little cry.  Saw his fingers and toes, looked just like his daddies.  He had my nose and ears.  Even though he was jaundiced, discolored, and very bruised he looked perfect.  They mentioned blood transfusions and a bone marrow transplant were in the future so I was signing papers saying go for it.  I knew that it could be a honeymoon phase but they were all so excited I thought maybe he will be that miracle that survives this.  They day after he was born, we had family visiting in our room and a nurse called us into the NICU.   My husband wheeled me in, there were tons of nurses around him and tons of alarms going off.  I knew something was not good.  The doctor came over and told us he was having a brain hemorrhage and coding so it was time.  Before we knew it we were holding our son without any tubes on him basically waiting for him to die peacefully in our arms as we talked to him and kissed his face.  My son even responded to my husband talking to him by blinking his eyes and staring at him while he was talking.  So emotional!  The doctor kept checking his heartbeat periodically and told us she would let us know once he was gone.  It was absolutely the worst nightmare but it was our reality.  We called family and went back to my room where we told everyone that he just passed away.  The shock set in and my world completely changed that day.  

Irritating Comments

So this weekend we got to get away and spend some time with family.  It felt nice and a little bit normal.  Most of these people I haven’t seen since Logan’s funeral.  So, at first there is the awkward initial greeting.  Then it just gets into a regular bbq, lots of good food, drinks, music, etc.  I did good and didn’t break down which was awesome for once!  I was happy  that a few people brought him up and mentioned his name because that happens so rarely.  I am thankful for that.  Here is the part that irritated me ………

I was talking to another  family member who also lost a baby many years ago to SIDS and was inquiring about her struggles and how she handled the situation.  She mentioned she had anger and got into some troubled times shortly thereafter.  I went into some feelings of anger that I have recently felt and shared that with them (which is totally normal when grieving mind you)  and another family member proceeded to tell me how I should feel lucky that God picked me and I am a chosen one and a bunch of other stuff after that, but I stopped listening.  I kept thinking how can I stop this conversation that is starting to irritate me?  I am talking about feelings of anger I have been having because my son died way to soon, and you are now telling me that I am lucky?  That just doesn’t sit well with me.  I always want to turn it around and say, would you feel lucky if your child died?  How lucky would you be if you got to experience this whole traumatic disaster?  I bet you would feel just awesome and grreeeeeeaaat!  I don’t feel lucky, it doesn’t feel good, and it doesn’t make it feel any better not even one bit if you tell me that I am lucky, thanks for trying.  Of course I didn’t say any of that, I just spaced out for awhile and started thinking about something else because I didn’t even want to go there or start crying.   I just don’t want to hear comments like that.  Everyone has their own belief and I get that it’s totally fine.  But step away for a minute and think if it was you.  The word “lucky” shouldn’t even be used in the same sentence as the death of my son.  Period.

Losing a Child

I read this article on one of my fellow bereaved mom pages and thought I would share.  It helps people understand what we go through, highlights the uncomfortable parts of our grieving process,  and makes me feel like I am not alone.


http://missinglarry.com/2012/05/30/for-those-of-you-who-believe-you-could-lose-your-child-tomorrow-and-still-be-who-you-are-today-2/