17 Months Out

Today marks the 17 month anniversary of the death of my son.  On most days I can pretend to be normal and that my life hasn’t shattered in a million pieces that day when I watched my son die.    But to be honest, I hate this and hate what it does to people.  People really expect you to move on and I feel looked down on if I can’t pull it together all the time, some days I just can’t.  This week actually had a comment from an old friend saying a that, “Things happen for a reason.  You have to try to put it in the past and move on.  That’s what  I’ve done in the past with the most traumatic  things in my life and you can’t dwell forever.”  Ok, seriously THE most irritating comments ever to a grieving mother.  If I could’ve shot a rubber band through that phone I would have.  Completely clueless and I don’t feel like explaining how clueless you really are because then I have to relive the whole trauma.  But, I do hope he never has to understand it.  Nothing is like losing a child, nothing.  Trying to just go back to “normal” is just impossible for me at this point although some days I feel like it feels kind of that way again, but there’s always the dark side lingering.  No one should have to visit their child at the cemetery on holidays, birthdays, weekends.  It’s so hard seeing new babies everywhere and it seems like everyone and their sisters, brother, cousins, uncle is having one!  It’s nothing personal towards them, it’s just hard some days more than others.  I had to let my son go and I didn’t want to.  I was forced to watch him struggle and leave this earth.  I want him here.  Some days, I have to run away and other days maybe I can stand to be around them for a bit.  I have found some people are really insensitive to that which makes it so hard.  I am exhausted.  I am tired of things being hard.  I have also found that it is much softer being around mom’s with new babies that are supportive to what I have been through and just show that they care.  I do have some very caring and supportive friends and they make it possible for me to try to be normal again.  They don’t run away from me.  They aren’t scared to talk to me.  They are there and I will forever cherish the friendships I have with those people.  They will never know how much that means to me.  Then there are the people you thought were your friends that prove they aren’t by abandoning you at your rawest time.  Those ones just make you appreciate the ones that deserve your love and attention.