My Birthday

It was my birthday and we decided to go to Disneyland for the day since it is most likely going to be a good day if you are at the happiest place on earth right?  It started out pretty good.  Kind of felt like life before disaster struck for a few hours at least.  Not that I didn’t think about Logan every minute of those few hours.  He never leaves my mind.  My mind is always on double task because I am living my life and every interaction, conversation, etc with people he is always right there.  I see his face, smell the hospital, see his little hand, everything.

I was standing by a fountain waiting for my husband and a family was taking pictures of their three kids in front of it.  I heard them say, “Logan, move over a little to the right”.  And it begins…..I knew it would happen but a little surprised that it was so soon.  Then more and more Logan connections happened throughout the day.  I was wondering, “Ok, is this because his name is so popular?  Or is it because he is really around and it’s a sign?  It doesn’t even matter why but it immediately put me in the sad place. I have learned that when that happens I have to feel it out until is passes.  That’s the only way for me to get through it.  No fighting it.  It doesn’t help when people tell me not to be sad.  It won’t work, sorry if you wanted it to.  I just felt like he should be with us today and chillin in his stroller smiling at the people walking by with his cute little baby eyes looking around.

Everyone says to have a happy birthday.  But I have to say it is really strange, confusing, and uncomfortable to be celebrating my birthday and trying to be happy when my son is dead and didn’t even get to celebrate his.  I feel a little guilty.  I am just to the point now, sometimes I just tell people what they want to hear.  It was a good day and leave it at that.  But, honestly it was very disturbing and unsettling.  Hopefully next year it will be better but I am not counting on it.  I don’t want to have expectations and be let down.  I wish people would understand that the sadness and grief doesn’t go away.  It will soften, but it never goes away so please don’t expect it to.  

I am really glad the day is over actually.  It's like a build up of exhausting emotions.  I have his first birthday coming up soon so all of this stuff is on my mind ten fold.  I just want to get through it............