Heavy Heart

It's Friday night. While most people are out having fun, I am at home looking at creamation jewelry websites, reading bereaved mom blogs, rubbing my still sore stomach from the surgery and just plain being irritated and mad. To catch up, I got through Mother's Day (it was awful-but not sure how it was supposed to be good?). Today Logan would have been seven months old and tomorrow is seven months since he died. I just feel sad. I picture a seven month old baby and think how big he would be and who he would look like now. Every month at this time my heart feels heavy, my body aches, and sadness overwhelms me. No one in my family was able to meet him so it even feels more unreal. Sometimes I have to remind myself that his life was real and I didn't make it up, he was really here and he was alive. I'm so tired of the grief work and just irritated that it is for a lifetime! Just when I feel like I am starting to feel better a huge wave comes at me again and I go straight through it like always. I know I have to let it flow, accept my mood swings and try to stay away from everyone so they don't have to be caught in the wave too. It's not something that I can put on hold for a better day, it just happens and it's sucks! I had a prescription transferred to a different pharmacy and I seriously went to three different pharmacies thinking it was the one the medication was transferred to. Not until the third store did I even get the right name of the store! Am I really that stupid or just spaced out? I really hope my brain comes back. I had a counseling appointment and she missed the appointment thinking it was another time, could have used it today but it's all good ( I had too irritating of a day to even talk). I dodged a couple car accidents, then dropped my new phone and scratched it but thankfully didn't crack it because I just got rid of the insurance on it, locked myself out of the house, and the air conditioning broke in the car and it was really hot so rolling down the windows it is! I am going to call it a day, try to sleep, and hope that tomorrow goes by fast.