Irritating Comments

So this weekend we got to get away and spend some time with family.  It felt nice and a little bit normal.  Most of these people I haven’t seen since Logan’s funeral.  So, at first there is the awkward initial greeting.  Then it just gets into a regular bbq, lots of good food, drinks, music, etc.  I did good and didn’t break down which was awesome for once!  I was happy  that a few people brought him up and mentioned his name because that happens so rarely.  I am thankful for that.  Here is the part that irritated me ………

I was talking to another  family member who also lost a baby many years ago to SIDS and was inquiring about her struggles and how she handled the situation.  She mentioned she had anger and got into some troubled times shortly thereafter.  I went into some feelings of anger that I have recently felt and shared that with them (which is totally normal when grieving mind you)  and another family member proceeded to tell me how I should feel lucky that God picked me and I am a chosen one and a bunch of other stuff after that, but I stopped listening.  I kept thinking how can I stop this conversation that is starting to irritate me?  I am talking about feelings of anger I have been having because my son died way to soon, and you are now telling me that I am lucky?  That just doesn’t sit well with me.  I always want to turn it around and say, would you feel lucky if your child died?  How lucky would you be if you got to experience this whole traumatic disaster?  I bet you would feel just awesome and grreeeeeeaaat!  I don’t feel lucky, it doesn’t feel good, and it doesn’t make it feel any better not even one bit if you tell me that I am lucky, thanks for trying.  Of course I didn’t say any of that, I just spaced out for awhile and started thinking about something else because I didn’t even want to go there or start crying.   I just don’t want to hear comments like that.  Everyone has their own belief and I get that it’s totally fine.  But step away for a minute and think if it was you.  The word “lucky” shouldn’t even be used in the same sentence as the death of my son.  Period.

Losing a Child

I read this article on one of my fellow bereaved mom pages and thought I would share.  It helps people understand what we go through, highlights the uncomfortable parts of our grieving process,  and makes me feel like I am not alone.


http://missinglarry.com/2012/05/30/for-those-of-you-who-believe-you-could-lose-your-child-tomorrow-and-still-be-who-you-are-today-2/

Heavy Heart

It's Friday night. While most people are out having fun, I am at home looking at creamation jewelry websites, reading bereaved mom blogs, rubbing my still sore stomach from the surgery and just plain being irritated and mad. To catch up, I got through Mother's Day (it was awful-but not sure how it was supposed to be good?). Today Logan would have been seven months old and tomorrow is seven months since he died. I just feel sad. I picture a seven month old baby and think how big he would be and who he would look like now. Every month at this time my heart feels heavy, my body aches, and sadness overwhelms me. No one in my family was able to meet him so it even feels more unreal. Sometimes I have to remind myself that his life was real and I didn't make it up, he was really here and he was alive. I'm so tired of the grief work and just irritated that it is for a lifetime! Just when I feel like I am starting to feel better a huge wave comes at me again and I go straight through it like always. I know I have to let it flow, accept my mood swings and try to stay away from everyone so they don't have to be caught in the wave too. It's not something that I can put on hold for a better day, it just happens and it's sucks! I had a prescription transferred to a different pharmacy and I seriously went to three different pharmacies thinking it was the one the medication was transferred to. Not until the third store did I even get the right name of the store! Am I really that stupid or just spaced out? I really hope my brain comes back. I had a counseling appointment and she missed the appointment thinking it was another time, could have used it today but it's all good ( I had too irritating of a day to even talk). I dodged a couple car accidents, then dropped my new phone and scratched it but thankfully didn't crack it because I just got rid of the insurance on it, locked myself out of the house, and the air conditioning broke in the car and it was really hot so rolling down the windows it is! I am going to call it a day, try to sleep, and hope that tomorrow goes by fast.