Roller Coaster

This last week went pretty good (as far as grief land goes).  I have been feeling a little more normal for a few more days in a row instead of just a few hours.  I went to my counseling appointment and worked through some things, went to my support groups and talked as I usually do throughout the week.  It felt good.  I can go to my groups, relate to other parents who have experienced the loss and go back to my life and try to get used to living in my “new normal”.  It’s almost too good to be true (not like life is great right now-but you know what I mean) and it WAS.  I had a complete meltdown last Sunday night that carried into Monday too.  I broke out into a cry and have no idea what triggered it.  It was completely exhausting, but it’s even exhausting to try to be normal now.  That’s grief for you!  I think I cried for like three hours.  I hate how it happens in the most inconvenient times and places!  I just want to be able to control it.  I feel like it’s running my life for me, I am just following grief’s footsteps. I think that’s one of the most difficult parts of grief, is realizing that we are not really in control of what happens in life and what crazy emotions and thoughts grief brings to the table.  Then the week ended with getting  five baby envelopes in the mail.  One being a survey on how my baby and I are doing.  Seriously??!!  Who sends these out?  I guess I would know if I didn't rip it up and throw it away.  I am pretty sure that they really don't want me to fill out the survey, just a guess. I thought I was pretty conservative with filling out all the baby websites and all of those places that get your information and send you stuff.  I called every single piece of mail that came through after Logan died and politely told them to stop sending me anything baby related.  Of course, they ask WHY?  Is that question even necessary?  If someone calls and is asking that, shouldn't they just know that the conversation is not going to be a happy one?!  Anyways, apparently I didn't do a good job of that. I am just hoping that this roller coaster ride puts on it’s breaks soon!  I have been on this ride long enough to know that this ride is never ending.  I hate putting that on paper and I really hate that sentence but it is so true.  I am thinking as time goes on you learn how to deal with the grief or manage it better?  This week, not so much and I know the next month is not going to be easier.  With his 6 month anniversary of his death and Mother's Day around the corner, I am terrified of what's to come and don't even want to think about it but have already been forced too with the Mother's Day commercials on TV, awesome.