Six months out

Well, I got through Logan's six month anniversary of his death date and I actually did pretty well on that day(a couple days after was a completely different story). I did wake up at 3AM and had a really sad moment.  My friend's daughter died exactly one year ago on Logan's six month death date which I find interesting. So she came to my mind also.  I just got really sad thinking about the babies and what they were doing at that moment.  I luckily had my grief support group later that morning.  I met one of my best girlfriends for lunch and then went to an allergy appointment that lasted almost three hours of poking needles in my back and arms.  But, seriously what is physical pain?  Even if they stuck me with 100 needles it's nothing compared to watching my son die.  I don't understand why on the dates that I expect to be a mess I'm not and regular days with no significant meaning, I am a complete mess.  I really want to figure this out.  It doesn't make sense to me but the more I learn about grief I understand that it comes in waves and those waves come at random times.  I think sometimes it is the anxiety buildup of the significant date.  The worries and the pressure from myself about what to do on that date and the emotional crash, it's exhausting.  I need you all to realize one thing about grief, it does not go away, and we don't forget about it.  Just because I am not a crying mess everyday doesn't mean that I don't need you to check up on me.  I am human and I hurt everyday for my loss.  I'm humbled enough to know that Logan had a bigger purpose in life and death, but that still doesn't take away from the sharp pains I feel in my heart.  I am grieving healthy and progressively healing, but I ask that you not forget about me or Logan, this is a tough road to drive.

When the Storm Hits

Called "When the Storm Hits" by Joanne Cacciatore, Founder of MISS Foundation: 

The death of a child is a tragedy that seems largely unexpected in Western civilization.  It brings an unspoken disquietude and life is forever, changed.  How can a person-a mother, father, grandparent or sibling-possible prepare for a tragedy of this magnitude?  The storm of grief looks much like Mother Nature's wrath.  The death of a child wreaks havoc on a family, both individually and collectively.  It ruthlessly tears apart our ideals, values, beliefs, innocence, and immunity.  It awakens unanswered, and unthinkable, questions of faith.  It requires a person to summon every morsel of strength to survive just one more day in the child's absence.  It can savagely destroy our old identity, making us face a new and frightening reality.  It is the unthinkable.

It is likely that grief has left parents feeling as if their 'town' has been destroyed, their constitution dismantled.  The feel 'rebuilt' (reborn) as a new 'home' (person).  The new place is unfamiliar to them.  It will take tears, time, work, and patience to reacquaint with the new "home" in which they live.

Eventually, the city's renovation is complete.  An occasional moment of joy may be reborn within the lives, homes, and buildings of the new community.  Like the bereaved family, communities will never forget the thunderous demon that changed their lives so dramatically.

Eventually, with the love and support of others, tranquility and security are recaptured.  Hope is discovered.  But life will never, ever be the same again.



"In order to experience the rainbow, we must first survive the storm."

Bereaved Parent's Wish List

A Bereaved Parents Wish List

I found this list on a friend's blog and loved it.....this pretty much explains my life right now.  I know the changes in me, make some people feel uncomfortable.  This best explains the weirdness you might be picking up on.............

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you as well.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't feel okay and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. However a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

15. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

16. I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

Roller Coaster

This last week went pretty good (as far as grief land goes).  I have been feeling a little more normal for a few more days in a row instead of just a few hours.  I went to my counseling appointment and worked through some things, went to my support groups and talked as I usually do throughout the week.  It felt good.  I can go to my groups, relate to other parents who have experienced the loss and go back to my life and try to get used to living in my “new normal”.  It’s almost too good to be true (not like life is great right now-but you know what I mean) and it WAS.  I had a complete meltdown last Sunday night that carried into Monday too.  I broke out into a cry and have no idea what triggered it.  It was completely exhausting, but it’s even exhausting to try to be normal now.  That’s grief for you!  I think I cried for like three hours.  I hate how it happens in the most inconvenient times and places!  I just want to be able to control it.  I feel like it’s running my life for me, I am just following grief’s footsteps. I think that’s one of the most difficult parts of grief, is realizing that we are not really in control of what happens in life and what crazy emotions and thoughts grief brings to the table.  Then the week ended with getting  five baby envelopes in the mail.  One being a survey on how my baby and I are doing.  Seriously??!!  Who sends these out?  I guess I would know if I didn't rip it up and throw it away.  I am pretty sure that they really don't want me to fill out the survey, just a guess. I thought I was pretty conservative with filling out all the baby websites and all of those places that get your information and send you stuff.  I called every single piece of mail that came through after Logan died and politely told them to stop sending me anything baby related.  Of course, they ask WHY?  Is that question even necessary?  If someone calls and is asking that, shouldn't they just know that the conversation is not going to be a happy one?!  Anyways, apparently I didn't do a good job of that. I am just hoping that this roller coaster ride puts on it’s breaks soon!  I have been on this ride long enough to know that this ride is never ending.  I hate putting that on paper and I really hate that sentence but it is so true.  I am thinking as time goes on you learn how to deal with the grief or manage it better?  This week, not so much and I know the next month is not going to be easier.  With his 6 month anniversary of his death and Mother's Day around the corner, I am terrified of what's to come and don't even want to think about it but have already been forced too with the Mother's Day commercials on TV, awesome.

Parental Grief Article

My favorite paragraphs out of an article on Parental Grief-I wish more non-bereaved parents would read articles like this to give them a better understanding of us and what is going through our brains (because no one can even imagine unless they have been through it themselves).  It's a new lonely world out there..........

Bereaved parents need to know that others may minimize or misunderstand their grief. Many don't understand the power, depth, intensity, or duration of parental grief, especially after the death of a very young child. In some instances, bereaved parents are even ignored because some individuals are not able to deal with the tragedy. They find the thought of a child's death too hard, too Inexplicable, or too threatening. Many simply don't know what to say or do and so don't say or do anything.  Grief is the natural response to any loss. 

Parents need to be reminded how important it is to process all feelings, thoughts, and emotions in resolving grief. Bereaved parents must look within and be prepared to deal with the past and present. They need to talk about their loss, and the loss must be acknowledged by others. They need to tell others about what happened to their child; they need to talk out and through their thoughts and feelings from the heart, not just from the head. Healing for bereaved parents can begin to occur by acknowledging and sharing their grief.

An intense parental attachment has been formed between parent and child no matter how young the child is at the time of death. Others need to try and understand the intensity of this attachment, the depth of the parents' grief, and the magnitude of their sorrow.Grief is exhausting and demanding work. Grief is also a process, not a single timed event. Bereaved parents appear to exhibit different reactions at varying points in their grief and to grieve differently even when they belong to the same family.

There is a need to talk, without trying to give reasons. No reason is going to be acceptable when you hurt so much. A hug, the touch of a hand, expressions of concern, a willing listener were and still are the things that have helped the most...The people who [were] the greatest help... [were] not judgmental. It's most helpful when people understand that [what is needed] is to talk about it and that this is part of the grief process. - DEFRAIN ET AL. 1991, 158, 163

Friends and caregivers should try to help grieving parents express their grief. They should try to be a safe place for them-a place where they can be themselves, where they can be confused, where they can express their pain, sadness, and even anger. Those who care should grieve and mourn with the parents; they must also be willing to listen.

Bereaved parents need to know that their child will be remembered, not just by them but also by family and friends. They need to have the child acknowledged and referred to by name. They want that child's life to matter. They do not want to forget and they don't want others to forget. One bereaved parent said, "The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it also brings music to my ears" (Anonymous).

What has happened to these parents has changed their lives; they will never see life the same way; they will never be the same people. As they attempt to move forward, bereaved parents realize they are survivors and have been strong enough to endure what is probably life's harshest blow. By addressing their grief and coping with it, they struggle to continue this journey while making this devastating loss part of their own personal history, a part of their life's story, a part of their very being.

Missing you

Grieving to the tenth power

I am having a hard time with the “other” overwhelming things we have to deal with as grieving parents besides our own loss and pain.  People act like I have some sort of disease that they are going to catch if they get too close.  If they put too much thought into it, it may happen to them.  Their own fears come out and take over.  So, they choose to stay away.  When Logan first died, I heard that this may happen but I am really feeling it now.  Right after he died I heard many people say let’s get together for lunch or dinner and hang out.  Let’s just say, I can count on my fingers how many people really meant that.  Four months out, everyone’s moving on with their lives, except for us.  Thoughts of our son consume our days.  I want to talk about him like every other parent does but it makes people feel uncomfortable because my child is dead.  I don’t feel like I can relate to regular people anymore only to the ones I know really “get” it.  I need to attend a training class on how to socialize with the human species again before I become a hermit.

Maybe they think that I am going to counseling and that should help fix me!  Once I am fixed, then maybe we can be closer again?   Little do they know that there is no way to be fixed.   Counseling just helps me get to the next day, helps me deal with the unimaginable comments, helps me understand that this is final and he’s not ever coming back, helps me respond to the question everyone asks in greeting, “How are you today”?  You know, that little question that people never want to hear the truth.  That little question that people want you to lie about, especially, if you just lost your child.  Would they like me to respond truthfully and say, “Well I am devastated.   I have been crying all day about my dead son and looking at his pictures taken before the mortuary picked him up, wishing I held him or kissed him one more time”.  Does anyone who asks, “How are you today” really want to hear that, um……. NO!  That’s how I want to answer though because he is mostly all I want to think and talk about, at least that way I know he will never be forgotten (my biggest fear).  I find myself getting extremely tense now when that question is asked.  How do I ever get back to where I was when that question didn’t make my hair stand up on the back of my neck?  I am not sure.  Do I have to keep lying to make the “questioner” happy since that’s what they want right?”

I feel like I am living outside of this world now.  I am an outsider looking in.  I find I have to prepare myself before I am around certain people and situations in hopes that they will go smoothly.  I feel uncomfortable.  I don’t even know what to talk about.  I know they don’t want to hear all about my dead son and I’m not really interested in all of the small talk but I’m thinking I should act interested.  If I don’t put on a happy face, no one is going to want to be around me.  I mean, there is only so much crying and sadness people can take, I get it.  This grief creates wedges in relationships.  This is so not what I wanted.  Another thing to grieve, lost relationships.

I remember people would tell me that I will NEVER be the same person again.  THAT made the tears flow even more.  This is taking “change” to a whole new level.  I missed my old self.  Who wouldn’t want to be their “old self” in this situation?  Now I have to grieve something else?!  My “old self” is gone forever too?!  I want to go back to getting excited about the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, trips, the smell of coffee, yummy cookies, rainy days, ……my future.  A rewind button sounds great right about now.  It seems unfair to me that it’s been so long since I’ve had a good, long, hard laugh.  Life used to be so full of humor.  I want to experience laughing until I pee my pants (sorry).  Does that ever come back?  Will I ever get to experience that much joy in life again without feeling guilty?

It almost makes me laugh (out loud) when I hear people complaining about anything and everything.  Those meaningless petty complaints that you hear at a restaurant because someone wanted more ice in their soda, or at a store because the line is too long, or a bratty teenager complaining about a certain piece of clothing they want and their parents won’t buy it for them, etc.  It seems so ridiculous to me now.  I don’t even care if I am in a long line.  Most of the time I am day dreaming about my little Logan anyways so what difference does it make if I am in a long line, in traffic, or in my house thinking about him?  Not much, either way that’s what I spend most of my time doing.  I could care less if I am stuck in a traffic jam, it will eventually clear, the line will get shorter, more ice won't make it taste any different, and material things don’t mean squat.