I found this on a site and is another grieving mom's feelings on losing a child and how to help. I have to say every single word of this touched me. I want to get through this and be normal just as bad as everyone else wants me to and I am trying. But, people need to know some details of the depth of this loss and how hard it is before getting to that next place in the grief. So I had to share..............................................................................
First of all, losing a child is
like nothing you have ever experienced. Although you may have lost other close
friends or family members, there is no comparison. I have found that the grief
of friends who have lost a spouse at a young age is similar in many ways, yet
different. So please try not to make comparisons with what
you have experienced, unless, of course, you have also lost a child. And also avoid
comparisons with "close calls" you or someone else has had.This is
still quite a different thing. Most people are at a loss about what they should say.
And so they choose to stay silent and avoid the situation. But there are things
you can say that can be very helpful. A friend who had also lost her daughter told me,
"I just never knew I would think about it every minute. I never knew it
would affect every bit of my life." The intensity of the grief catches
us by surprise, even those of us who are going through it. So it is no wonder
that when someone is grieving she thinks, feels, and acts differently than ever
before, at times doing things that seem completely illogical and even abnormal. Try to avoid the trap of comparing what you
think you would do in that situation with what your grieving friends are doing
because their grief is affecting every bit of their life. That is why
grieving people draw close to others who are grieving - it's the only time they
feel "normal".
For many women, after losing a baby, it takes 18
- 24 months before they work through their grief enough to get back to a
somewhat "normal" life. For men it often takes 3 - 6 months for this
to occur. That is not to say they are "over it" by then, but just
that they no longer think about it every minute.
That's right, for most of
the first year, a bereaved mom is thinking about her child just about all the
time - certainly at least several times a day! Unfortunately, in Western society, most people
think a few weeks is how long this sort of grief lasts. And so, after that
time, they don't mention the child's name (or worse, avoid the entire subject) for
fear of "reminding" them. This actually hurts MORE because the
grieving mom feels that she is the only one who remembers her child since no
one mentions her. And, because no one mentions her, she also
hesitates to bring her up because everyone seems uncomfortable about it. The
very thing the bereaved mom most needs: to talk and talk and talk about
her child - is the thing we take away from her with our silence! No wonder
the grieving
seek each other out. Yes, you mentioning her child's name will
probably bring tears to her eyes, especially during the first year. But they
are GOOD tears - tears of gratefulness that you care about her baby enough
to mention him or her. Which brings me to my next point: if
your friend feels that she can cry with you, you are doing the biggest service
you possibly can for her. If you don't look away, or change the subject, or
act uncomfortable, you will help her heal by being with you. Help her to mourn
by mourning with her. The emotions of grief are not all sadness. There
is usually a lot of anger at
one point or another. There is often anxiety, irritability,inability
to cope, and often there is an anti-social period. And there is so
much up and down, feeling like a yo-yo jumping between feeling OK and the pit.
The grieving mom doesn't even know how she will feel from one moment to the
next. There is much confusion, and fear that she will never feel happy or
normal again. If you can be there, willing
to listen to whatever emotions she has, without judgment, you will be giving
a huge gift as
well. This takes time and energy. The anger, guilt, and other emotions
are very real. Don't tell her "you shouldn't feel that way". She
feels the way she feels. Help her to work through the emotions. And don't be
shocked if she talks of wanting to die. This is very common, and it
will help her if she can confide in you without fear.
What to say to a
grieving friend
And realize that these changes are not
permanent for your friend; they are grief. She will come out of it a different person
in many ways - hopefully better - but also in many ways she will become herself
again someday. God bless you if you have the patience to wait and to help her
get there. Although nothing magical happens after the first year -
she won't miraculously get a lot better - it is true that the first year is
very hard. EVERYTHING is the first time without her child. Every holiday, large
or small, is very difficult because holidays are family times and an important
member of her family is missing. Remember her at each
holiday - acknowledge her loss and that it is likely to be a
difficult time. Ask her what she is planning to do to "get through
it" (which becomes the grieving person's goal for most events the first
year). Don't be afraid to ask - remember, you're not reminding her,
you're remembering her child. As you might imagine, Mother's Day is
especially hard. Send a card acknowledging her motherhood, especially
if this is her only child, and just let her know you are thinking of her and
that you remember her child. For quite a while during the first year,
grieving moms experience weekiversaries and monthiversaries.
That is, they often feel increased grief, irritability, and pain on the day of
the week their baby died and on the day of the month. Their subconscious begins
to relive the experience each week and each month. Be sensitive to this and
offer extra support at those times. The intensity of this experience usually
lessens by the end of the first year, when the anniversary becomes most
significant.
Make a note on your
calendar of her child's birthday, date of death, and due date if the
baby was born quite early. Those days will all be very difficult, and a
simple I'm Thinking of You card at those times will provide
much healing. Realize that even years later, after she has
apparently "healed", she will be thinking of her child on those
dates, reliving the experience and the sadness. Knowing that someone else still
remembers her child years later will bring her much peace and comfort. Also realize that any sort of event or gathering may be very difficult for a grieving person. One of
the steps of healing is spending a lot of time focusing
on the child who has been lost. This needs to happen
every day, and at first, takes up most of the day.As healing occurs, the time she will need to
"be with" her child becomes less and less. But we can't rush this or
force it. And often, attending social gatherings is just too hard. After a few
minutes, the grieving mom is ready to focus on her child again, and she can't.
So she either stays and is miserable and then falls apart totally afterwards,
or she leaves and does what she really needs to do. It takes a long time for most grieving people to
trust their own instincts about what they need to do (after all, someone is
always telling them, "come on, you should go, it'll be good for
you.") You can help your friend by encouraging her to listen to
her instincts and to follow them. Often you can help her by asking,
"What do you want to do?" Listen as she sorts out
her feelings, and support whatever she decides. And finally, point out the
progress she has made, no matter how small.
What it
is like seeing healthy babies being born: The Circus
Baby showers, pregnant
women,newborns, even weddings are just devastating for moms who have lost
babies. Seeing others' joy is in such contrast to their pain. Be sensitive to
that - and it lasts much longer than people realize. I hope that by reading this, and some of the
links from this page, you will feel better equipped to help support your
grieving friend. May God bless you for your friendship in this difficult time.
